Beginner

I feel like I did just over a year ago when it comes to running.  Defeated.  I can’t breathe.  I can hear myself and I sound like that person I always want to smack at events.  My legs are heavy.  I am slow, slow, slow.  I can only imagine what I look like.  None of my running clothes fits.  I refuse to buy new clothes, so it’s too small running skirts, pouring myself into capris, or unflattering Nike tempo shorts.

July 8th can’t come fast enough.  I don’t want to go see my regular Dr. before I see the new guy, but I may have to.  I had my labs done 2 months ago and I never had a followup, which isn’t like me.  I already had my heart set on seeing new guy.  Praying he has a cancellation that I can take before July. 

Despite all of that, it’s good to know I have a cheerleader who believes in me and supports me no matter what.  Although, as much as a cry and whine to that person, I am surprised they haven’t run for the hills.

Everyone’s gotta getaway

I wish Pat Green’s “Carry On” was my inspiration for this post, but it’s not.  That song always makes me so happy.

I left town yesterday after work.  Checked into my hotel and went to run errands and get dinner.  Dinner was a cinch, and I just took it back to the hotel to eat.  The errands were not.

I need work clothes.  I pretty much only wear dresses and stretchy jeans because that is all that fits.   I have protested buying anything for long enough.  I am not losing the weight and I have no clothes that fit.  I am pretty much the same size and shape I was before WW, just 10 lbs lighter.  This is horrifying to me.  I said I would NEVER be here again.  Nothing I do seems to work.  I hate Hashi’s, hormones, and all these Dr’s that have no clue.

I went to a store I don’t shop at, but there weren’t many choices.  Nothing fit even in the size I am, my body is shaped like it was before.  Not so long ago, it was easy and everything fit.  Now again I have the big butt, big hips, and a muffin top.  I can’t even explain how badly I want to go back to what my normal was for the last 7 years.  My heart hurt as I walked out of the store.   There were big tears when I got back to my room.   ODB tells me it’s a little bump in the road.  He’s so sweet about it (he’s the best).  I HATE he sees me so upset about this.  It seems so very petty and shallow.  I bitch about it everyday.

I was so exhausted that after dinner I watched King of the Hill and fell asleep early.

Most of today was a better day.  My heart was whole.  I smiled, I laughed, and I couldn’t have asked for more.  Stuffed avocados, squirrel feeders, baby chicks, and people of Walmart.  Yes, I said it.  I had fun at Walmart with someone.    I hate Walmart.

And then the day ended and I cried.  No, I didn’t just cry, I completely broke down before leaving town.  The worst it’s ever been.  I cried big tears as I drove away and for the next 25 miles after that.  Yeah, I am crying again typing this.  My heart breaks every time we have to be separated.  I was crazy without a phone in SF and being able to talk and text.   I have never been that person who is a whiny baby about being away from someone.  That was before this.  That was before I decided I wasn’t really a bed hog, before I decided Walmart wasn’t so bad together, and we had all of our inside jokes.  We make a pretty awesome duo.

In my dreams, I am back to my old “normal” weight and he’s here.  All of the time.  And there would be way fewer tears.