Monday marvels

I honestly have no idea where my weekend went.  I did some cleaning, some working out, watched 2 horrible movies (note to self, consult Rotten Tomatoes website first).  Oh and I worked, because with traveling comes getting backlogged.  You can only do so much from the road.

Apparently PB Snickers hate me.  I’ve never had one before, we got 300 bars last week for an event.  I ate half yesterday and half today.  BLEH.  The way I feel was NOT worth the heavenly goodness.  Read the ingredients and I don’t know what it could be.  Yes, I know they are made of garbage.

I miss my ODB.  Way too much.

Everyone’s gotta getaway

I wish Pat Green’s “Carry On” was my inspiration for this post, but it’s not.  That song always makes me so happy.

I left town yesterday after work.  Checked into my hotel and went to run errands and get dinner.  Dinner was a cinch, and I just took it back to the hotel to eat.  The errands were not.

I need work clothes.  I pretty much only wear dresses and stretchy jeans because that is all that fits.   I have protested buying anything for long enough.  I am not losing the weight and I have no clothes that fit.  I am pretty much the same size and shape I was before WW, just 10 lbs lighter.  This is horrifying to me.  I said I would NEVER be here again.  Nothing I do seems to work.  I hate Hashi’s, hormones, and all these Dr’s that have no clue.

I went to a store I don’t shop at, but there weren’t many choices.  Nothing fit even in the size I am, my body is shaped like it was before.  Not so long ago, it was easy and everything fit.  Now again I have the big butt, big hips, and a muffin top.  I can’t even explain how badly I want to go back to what my normal was for the last 7 years.  My heart hurt as I walked out of the store.   There were big tears when I got back to my room.   ODB tells me it’s a little bump in the road.  He’s so sweet about it (he’s the best).  I HATE he sees me so upset about this.  It seems so very petty and shallow.  I bitch about it everyday.

I was so exhausted that after dinner I watched King of the Hill and fell asleep early.

Most of today was a better day.  My heart was whole.  I smiled, I laughed, and I couldn’t have asked for more.  Stuffed avocados, squirrel feeders, baby chicks, and people of Walmart.  Yes, I said it.  I had fun at Walmart with someone.    I hate Walmart.

And then the day ended and I cried.  No, I didn’t just cry, I completely broke down before leaving town.  The worst it’s ever been.  I cried big tears as I drove away and for the next 25 miles after that.  Yeah, I am crying again typing this.  My heart breaks every time we have to be separated.  I was crazy without a phone in SF and being able to talk and text.   I have never been that person who is a whiny baby about being away from someone.  That was before this.  That was before I decided I wasn’t really a bed hog, before I decided Walmart wasn’t so bad together, and we had all of our inside jokes.  We make a pretty awesome duo.

In my dreams, I am back to my old “normal” weight and he’s here.  All of the time.  And there would be way fewer tears.

Plan B

New Dr. FAIL

$9100 up front (for 6 months) and he said I already do most of what he requires, so I am already way more advanced in knowledge and experience.

I am glad my sister was there to agree that it would be crazy to spend that money for most of what I do already.

Plan B

Back to strict AIP next week and praying it works.

And Plan C in the meantime is to see my high school friend’s doctor in San Antonio.

I have an amazing support system with my ODB.  I wish he was closer 😦   I am determined to beat this!

Hope

Here’s to hoping my consult with the new doctor goes well on Monday.  I submitted all of my paperwork, my medical history from my words, and latest labs.  All as requested.

I already had a medical history until the fall already written, so I just took notes from my cell phone and added to that.  And then called the doctor for last week’s labs.

Labs: Not good.  I haven’t seen my current Dr. about them yet but my hormones are all wacked out.  My cholesterol is high.  My thyroid is low.  She didn’t even test my antibodies to see where my hashimotos was.  My liver panel is off too.  Testosterone may be high.

I am now up 25 lbs from my happy weight.  I am almost to my pre-WW weight.  Something I vowed would NEVER happen.  Now I am sitting here fat, miserable, and unhappy.  I used to be very proud of myself and what I had accomplished.  I still work out, I still don’t eat gluten, and I still watch what I eat with splurges in moderation.

The hardest part of Monday is the new function medicine guy doesn’t accept everyone he sees.  And he doesn’t do consults alone.  He wants a significant other to be there.  He wants to insure a support system is there.  I won’t lie, it sucked pretty bad to know I have no one to go with me.   My sister agreed to go, but I think it’s more for getting info for herself, not really as a support for me.   Maybe we can do this together, I don’t know.

I am SO tired of being sick.  I am so tired of not fitting in my clothes no matter what I do.  Having to be on a ton of hormones and supplements.

Here’s to hope and feeling better!

2013: Year in Review

I honestly don’t remember a whole lot from 2013, especially the first half.  To be honest, looking back, 2013 was just ok overall.  Majority of the year was stressful workwise, especially until September.

January

I don’t remember much except that I was supposed to run Disney and I couldn’t.  3 month running hiatus due to adrenal issues.

Hosted godson’s baby shower.  Sorority chapter at Texas State activated.  Poured myself into yoga.

I do remember legislative session was in full swing.  I was working A LOT.

February

More legislative session, not running, and tired.

Our secretary at work died 😦

8 year anniversary with Dan.

My godson was born!!!

Had surgery at the end of February.

Got a stand up desk (YAY!)

March

More legislative session.  Stress.  Recovering from surgery.  SXSW.

Couldn’t defend my Thin Mint Sprint title 😦  Volunteered instead.

I started run-walking at the end of March.  It SUCKED.  I couldn’t control my breathing.

April

More legislative session.  Stress.  No rain.  More work stress.

San Francisco for LUNA Summit with all but 1 of my teammates.  Great time!  Started run-walking more.

May

More legislative session.  Stress.  No rain.  More work stress.  Traveled a little for work.  Dan’s parents came for a visit.

June

Legislative session over!  Still no rain.

Changed doctors.

I became a Godmother.

Jalapeno Half in Fort Worth.  The only summer race I’ve ever done, may be my last!  Great weekend with mom and sister.

Turning point with work role.  New assignment.  Still no rain.

July

Working my old duties AND new duties at work.  Still no rain.  In fact, it got worse.

Work trip with visits with some of favorites.

Vacation booked to Hawaii.

Stopped doing yoga much at all.

Finally got some overdue appreciation during a big work event.

Had a big weight gain out of no where (big for a short amt of time and my frame).  I didn’t change my food or exercise.  Frustrated.

August

This was the turning point of the year.

Went to see Jason Boland and Pat Green in New Braunfels and had a wonderful time with a bunch of old friends.  It was very reminiscent of the old days.

I separated from Dan.  Hardest thing i’ve ever had to say/do.  He agreed it was right.

Hawaiian vacation cancelled.

September 

September was the longest month of my life.  Trying to get the last 8.5 years of my life sorted out.

I decided to live in our house until October.  After October 1, we would go our separate ways.   Except my way was me leaving my house.  My home.  Moved in with my sister.  He kept our house.

I only told my family and closest friends about the split.  That’s what he and I agreed to.

Spent a week in Houston to “find myself.”  Friends, family, sports, food.  To sum it up, it was a “game changer.”

Dove into my new work role 100% and made the decision to stop letting others dump on me.

October 

Started over.  No home.  No money.

Overwhelming support from my family, friends, and coworkers.

Traveled a lot.  2 work trips and a trip to San Francisco for the Nike Women’s half.  Great memories made.  Love SF.

Started getting back to many things I used to do pre-Dan.  Things I put aside because he didn’t like them or I no longer had time.

Once word started to get out that I was single, it spread like wildfire.  All of a sudden I had texts and messages from people who wanted to date me.  This was very foreign and unexpected.  Actually, uncomfortable.

November 

A little more work travel.

Not feeling great running.  No energy.  Not having an easy time lugging extra weight either.  Shiner Half was perfect weather for me, but the race for me was anything but.

I started missing my old house.  My stuff.  Being hostess for Thanksgiving.

Got my first Christmas job.  It was a great idea.  Not much money, but good people and warm hearts.

December

By far the best month of the year to me.  Despite missing my old house again.  My fireplace.  My Christmas tree.

I had another great month at work.  Got a raise.  Got lots of kudos.

I learned patience. Or the closest I will ever get to it.

I learned the true meaning of love.  Watching my godson open his Christmas gift.  Spending a weekend in yoga pants and an over-sized sweatshirt.  Carefully selected groceries.  Listening to others.

Cut back the running to almost nothing.

Waiting on salivary cortisol test to come in.  Fingers crossed my adrenals are fine.

~~I am almost 20 lbs heavier than I started the year.  I don’t have my own place.  Another whole year of frustrating visits to the doctors with no answers.

Even with those things hanging over my head, this year was ok.  I know 2014 is going to be a big year for me.  Big for my career, big for my health, and big for my relationships.   I will love more and work less.  This year I will NOT let vacation time roll!!!

I am going to make a new home for myself.  Spend more time with my godson.  Spend more time with family and friends.  Spend more time on me.

Back from the Dr.

So the Dr. visit went ok yesterday.  My pelvic ultrasounds were both 100% normal.  My hashi’s anti-bodies were up.

I just about burst into tears when the nurse weighed me.  Really?  I’ve gained 7 lbs since my last visit 😦

Because of the weight issues, she thinks the progesterone is off.  So she lowered that.  And put me on low dose naltrexone.  I looked it up and they use it to treat all kinds of things from AIDS, to cancer, to MS, to autoimmune issues.   I take it at night and for the first week it’s supposed to wreck my sleep.  It did last night!  I am not tired today….yet.

She let me drop the iron, but I have a bunch of other supplements I still have to take.

So that’s it in a nut-shell.  Fingers crossed this brings me one step closer to normal. 🙂

 

The truth

I have a Dr appointment tomorrow, which I am optimistic about. I am hoping that she will have some ideas and hear my concerns. I am 5 lbs over WW goal right now with no changes to food or activity 😦 That makes me up over 13 lbs from where i’ve been for YEARS. Something isn’t right at all.  I’m embarrassed to say that I’m over. But I also know it’s nothing I did to cause it.

I don’t know what my tests mean really, hopefully she can share more on those. I do know my Hashi’s is still pretty bad and my hormones are all whacked out.   I also had 2 ultrasounds recently that I’m sure we’ll go over.

I am still hanging on to hope and optimism, because I DO feel better overall.  Not having any clothes that fits sucks, but I am hoping that changes soon.

Looking forward to 2013

I am looking forward to 2013.  This will be the year I get all of this medical stuff figured out.  I am determined.

Overall I am feeling better, but I am still far from feeling like myself.  I don’t really remember what normal was, but I know this isn’t it.  I know you aren’t supposed to wake up tired, or wake up 5-6 times a night.  You shouldn’t get tired from doing things like standing up to cook, or get muscle fatigue lasting for days from it.  I won’t even go into some of the more personal things, trust me, they aren’t pleasant.

I also know now that opening things that look like bills on Christmas is a really really bad idea.  I wound up in tears, because I opened a surprise medical bill which was quite large 😦  Especially frustrating, when the billed tests didn’t result in progress.

I had my last Dr. appointment the Wednesday before Christmas (next one isn’t until Feb or March).  My levels are still all over the place.  Thyroid is getting better, but still not ideal.  I took a series of new tests this week, also not covered by insurance, because I really want to see the condition of my adrenals.  It’s likely they are fatigued or damaged and may be the reason i’m not making the progress I should be.  If the adrenals aren’t addressed, it hinders everything else.

I am not jumping ahead, but if the adrenals are not in good shape, that means drastic changes in my lifestyle.  It won’t be easy, but I am willing to do anything to get back to my old self!  I am hoping if it comes down to it, the determination and drive I have to be healthier will enable me to be strong.  Hoping I get the results from the tests in the next week, so I can wrap my mind around whatever needs to be done.

So in the meantime, i’ve been trying to de-stress and relax more. More time reading, more time trying to not worry about work (my new position is pretty intense), trying to add more sleep (which is hard when you don’t stay asleep), and add more low key workouts in.

So here’s to 2013, the year I get it all figured out and get me back 🙂

The medical update

Had another follow-up Tuesday with the Dr. about the medications i’ve been on, my labs I had done 2 weeks ago, and progress made.

I’ve been feeling better for the most part, some areas better than others.  Some areas just haven’t changed at all.

Test results show progress, but not enough, I am still far from where I need to be.  So all medications are being increased in strength.  The thyroid though, they said they can’t increase too fast, because there is a chance of heart palpitations and other issues I don’t want to experience.  So we are moving that up, with the long term goal of making it to at least double of what I am on now (right now half a grain, moving up to 3/4 grain this time around).

The nurse thinks that after this next round of trying on the increased dosage, that I should be much closer to being optimal on everything but maybe thyroid, that may take more tinkering.  More labs in 10 weeks, another appointment in November.  Hopefully with everything else being more optimal, my cholesterol will come down (it’s even higher now!)

I still owe another Dr. an annual thyroid ultrasound which I have rescheduled twice already.  Maybe i’ll get that taken care of in the next few weeks.

So slowly but surely, at least some areas are getting better.  I’m hopeful that we’ll just keep moving down this path and see where it takes us!

Where I stand

I haven’t really updated on the medical issues, because there really isn’t much to say.   (and I was superstitious, thinking if I talked about it, it would jinx progress in figuring things out).

I was diagnosed with Hashimoto’s two weeks ago.  It’s an auto-immune disease.  An answer, right?  Wrong.  My levels are not treatable.  They say eventually it will be a problem, but right now my levels aren’t off enough to treat.  Because of this, they don’t think this is causing all of my problems.  Although my problems are pretty text-book for the disease.  They said since my levels aren’t really off, there must be another cause.

Had another round of blood work done last week, this time for adrenal issues.  That too came back off.  Endocrinologist wanted me to do an overnight test.

Yesterday I had a followup with my regular Dr, who doesn’t really think it’s the adrenal thing, but since I was going to the lab anyhow this morning, he ordered a battery of different tests.  7 vials worth.

So here I sit again, wondering if any of these tests will show anything.  I’m hoping that one day soon, I get some answers.

So that’s the medical side. 

Physically and emotionally I have been a wreck for the last two weeks.  The last decent run I had was exactly 2 weeks ago.  I’ve struggled with all runs, even the short ones.  The best way i’d describe it is that my body is tired and feels like it’s always recovering from a hard workout.  After runs, I feel fine.  The before and during hasn’t been good lately.

There is more to life than working out, but those other parts of my life are hard too.  I couldn’t stand at a concert last week.  I’m still not sleeping well at night.  When I wake up, it takes me about an hour to shake the stiffness in my legs.   Some days I have reactions to food I eat.  And I get upset and frustrated about the situation a lot.  God Bless Dan.  He’s seen me cry way too much lately.

I do not feel like myself.  Most days lately I feel like i’m twice my age at least.

I’m not giving up hope.  Just hoping some answers are near.